I have always felt less than others when it comes to intelligence.
In heaven when they told us to get in line for a brain,
I thought they said train and I asked for a slow one.
I have just really struggled in school for no apparent reason.
I really struggled to learn to read.
I continue to struggle with reading comprehension.
There is nothing that I know of to "diagnose" what is going on besides...
Low Intelligence.
As you can tell I'm NOT the best writer.
I wasn't even going to mention my SAT and ACT scores!
I'll just say, I don't like to say them out loud.
Or even think about them.
I took piano lessons a couple of times and never really could get passed one or two years.
My mom thinks that it's because I didn't practice enough.
I think it's because my brain cannot handle so many things at once.
Notes, names of notes, keys, names of keys, note = key.
whole note, half note, quarter note, staccato
treble cleft, base cleft, octave,
stanza!
Then you throw in...
sharps, flats, rests, tempo, rhythm, dynamics...
my mind wants to explode.
And really that's just scratching the surface.
Don't get me wrong I love music!
I just feel that it is mentally impossible for me to play an instrument.
It's the same with math.
Don't love it.
Hardly ever understand it.
Not good at it.
I get by.
Same with cooking.
Reading recipes takes reading comprehension.
I just barely...okay, like once I went to college, which seems like just yesterday but was actually almost 20 years ago...I just barely learned all the measuring cup measurements. Those fractions are hard. Don't even start throwing decimals at me.
You say...
"But...but...You got into a major University!"
(on my third try! and maybe only because I had some strings pulled for me!)
"And!
You graduated!!!"
I had to work SO much harder than anyone else!
I saw it!
I felt it!
With all that said, I've come a long way.
I think I've gotten this far in life, (which lets be honest, isn't THAT far) from sheer hard work and determination.
Lately, I've felt my determination wain and hard work becoming harder.
Last September I started feeling major pain in my hands, wrists and feet. Soon, I was feeling pain in all my joints. I thought it was cleaning the Airbnb too much. I thought it was from stress. I thought it was from the way I was sleeping. I thought... I thought... I thought....
After several visits to the doctor and trying several different things to alleviate the pain, I was sent to a Rheumatologist and on January 4th I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
In those 4-5 months of pain I went a little crazy, literally.
I've always been pretty positive but I think I've become more cynical and more self conscience.
This quote I found while I was in high school has really helped me a number of times in my life.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
I have believed that since I read it!
Until recently.
I hesitate to even post this.
It all seems so "Debbie Downer."
Waaah wuuuuuh.
Maybe I don't need to for anyone else besides myself.
Let's be honest, nobody is reading this anymore.
The point is...
I'm trying to learn to be gentle with myself.
If I don't have what I've always viewed as hard work (a strong body)...
and I've never felt very intelligent...
then what do I have?
