We've lived in Utah, Nebraska, upper Michigan and now we've settled in Colorado...at least for now! Marley is 10, Isi is 6 and Enzo is 4.

Life is great!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

In The Midst

Nathan is in the midst of taking his compressive exams for graduating from his program. He has three hours to take each test and he took one last Thursday and one last Friday and he takes the last one tomorrow. WRITING FOR THREE HOURS STRAIGHT!!! NINE HOURS TOTAL!!! On top of all the papers he has to do for his classes! Then his two hour oral exam is March 4, where he will defend what he wrote.

He applied for graduation and paid the application fee in January, so we are well on our way to GRADUATION!!! Whahooo!

I have to say that I am so very proud of Nathan. He has worked very hard throughout his Masters program and these past two weeks he has worked harder than I've ever seen him work, as far as education efforts go. This semester is his hardest yet and I have said that every semester since he started. I don't know how he does it.

He gets stressed out and he gets nervous and I only know because we talk about it. I wouldn't know from his behavior. He is still very loving and mild mannered. He is still helpful, supportive and contributes to all things family, church and personal. I am so grateful for all his hard work and calm and steady ways.

Me on the other hand. I have been in a weird funk since January 1 or 2 or maybe 3. I don't know when exactly it started but, I have been crabby, impatient and sometimes depressed. And as I type this...I'd like to defend myself and say, "No I haven't!" but, I have! I would say that most of it manifests itself outside of our home...but, that's not better! Is it?

It's not constant and I still have full self control so maybe...possibly no one has noticed?

I consider myself a friendly person but, lately... I don't know?

I think what it boils down to is that it seems like I've been taking things WAY too personally.

One time on my mission there was a whole 5th Sunday Relief Society and Priesthood combined meeting about abuse. Something that was said in that meeting has stuck with me.

"What part of your beliefs would allow you to behave that way?"

Like I said, that meeting was about abuse but, I have thought about that quote in many situations since.

What part of my beliefs would allow me to be annoyed when I don't understand the whole situation? What part of my beliefs would allow me to snap at someone for something of little importance? What part of my beliefs would allow me to be quick to judge and slow to forgive?

The answer is, there is no part of my belief system that merits self-centeredness, rudeness, or unrighteous judgement.

Am I being taught something? Reminded? What is the deal?

The hardest thing for me today...right now...is knowing that I am weak.
Today I had a resolve to DO. I had a list of things to get done. I had energy and time to do it. I got through one fifth of the list and then got slammed with a blotchy-eyed, hand-numbing, head-aching migraine. Thankfully I was in a position to go right to bed for a couple of hours (Marley went to bed too!) and when I woke I only had minor lingering affects. I was able to still fulfill important obligations this afternoon but, I didn't get the laundry done and I'm out of underwear!

What's the deal?

Am I just self absorbed? Am I just too fragile? Am I just in the midst of "life?" Am I just an imperfect person, striving for perfection and that's HARD? Don't we all know it? Don't we all forget?

I feel so unsettled lately.


Meg said...

oh, I know just how you feel. I have been in a similar funk myself.

I blame January.

Hang in there.

Brian and chelsea said...

When you chance to meet a frown, do not let it stay....


Congrats to Nathan! Yay for graduating! And for surviving that list of horrendous final exams...ugh. I do NOT miss school when I hear about ordeals like that.

Johnson-n-Johnson said...

When i lived in Nebraska, I got depressed from November-March! Maybe it's the awful weather? Anyhow, remember not to be too hard on yourself. The Lord is not a hard task-master! Love you girl!

Jill said...

Nate's school work load makes me feel bad for complaining about mine.Yay, for almost finishing! I love you guys.

Brittani said...

I feel the same way lots of the time to, so don't get down on yourself! You are amazing! And go Nathan! You Rock!

Corn Husker said...

We're definitely still on for tonight. If it's too much for you, however, we completely understand. We'll plan on seeing you just after 5:00 :o)

I'm sorry you're in a funk. I think I have to agree with Brandi. I have been in a funk since the beginning of February, but even starting in January, I just can't seem to accomplish the things I need to do. We should form a support group.

And congratulations to Nate! I'm so excited for you both (and Marley too!) that you'll soon be done with this education thing. Okay, you're never really done, but you can at least take it at your own pace from here. I just hope I get to see you as much as possible before you leave.

Than & Lina said...

Good luck! I hope you are doing well.

Sandy said...

Some one needs their mommy very, very badly. What's that from?

Sconierson said...

I thought that you were a little out of sorts. I think that the weather has just gotten every one down. Oregon gives everyone seasonal depression and I watched a segment on the news that this year it made its way to Nebraska. Maybe you just need to go for a good long run outside.

Michelle said...

Becky, you're my idol!!!!

The Wells said...

Go get a doughnut! you will feel better. :)

The Wells said...

And Mom - that is from HOOK

Shalantie said...

I feel better after reading your comments. ha! It's nice to know that i'm not the only one that is in a weird funk. I hope I didn't contribute to your weird funk. I feel like everything has changed in every way possible. Yes, having a new baby will do that to me, or anyone for that matter, but I feel like it's more than that. Life, emotions, socialness, and all is just not the same anymore. I can't wait until I get out of this funk. The weather definitely has a role in it. It's been freezing! It's depressing. I can't take Olivia anywhere. That poor girl hasn't even seen the sun yet. She might be depressed too. WEll becky, I love you dearly... I love how you write too- I love reading about your life. Things will brighten up soon. Actually- I think part of the weird funk is due to the fact that another change in life is coming soon. Your time in Nebraskie is coming to an end, and that's so crazy to think about! Ok my novel is done. Over and out

Anonymous said...

I understand the funk. I blame Winter!!! Oh ya, that dumb groundhog.